Am I Jaded or Cynical?

I am tired. So very tired. I have spent the last seven hours working on stuff for my upcoming evaluation and am yet not done, but I need a break. Part of the reason that I am not done is because I find myself losing the passion for what I am doing. For a break I am going to do a piece of self reflection. I want to decide if I am jaded or am I cynical.

As long as I can remember I have always leaned more towards a pragmatic, pessimistic view of the world. But the past three years (2015-present) have been really weighing on me. I think I have become jaded by my work. Jaded is defined as being fatigued by overwork or being made dull, apathetic, or cynical by having seen too much of something. I’ll ignore the idea of cynical for now, but I would say that I could be considered fatigued or apathetic from having seen too much.

Too much of what though? Too much of everything. Too many rules. Too many rubrics. Too many evaluations. Too many detentions. It’s to the point where all I am starting to see at school is a place not of education, but a place of complacency and obedience. Which is starting to make me feel rather cynical.

A cynic is someone who is distrustful of sincerity and integrity of human intentions. If I am truly a cynic, I don’t believe people are motivated by altruistic intentions. A quote attributable to the great George Carlin, “Inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist.” I think that perfectly sums up my life for awhile now.

The class of 2013 left me with regret, I felt like I didn’t do enough. The class of 2014 left and I felt uplifted. I took some chances, pushed some students to the breaking point, and tried to embrace education for the life altering experience it can and should be. School shouldn’t be a place where subjects are learned to simply barf back answers on a test to get a decent scholarship. That’s why I felt regret after the class of 2013. I had most of those students for two or three years, a couple for four. I should have found a way to push them beyond choosing the safe path. Sure, they weren’t likely to fail, but some of them could have done more and chose not to out of fear. In 2014 I pushed convention, both with my pedagogy, rules, and role. I think I finally had the lasting impact that is supposed to happen in education. Some of those students said the kindest things to me after they left. One even took the time to write a very thoughtful thank you note that I routinely reread anytime a bad day has made me question my purpose.

I started 2015 actually excited for the school year, in spite of losing my beloved Algebra I class. I eagerly shared all of my insights from the previous year. As I began to share them I was met with the opinion of from the local educational service center. I was asked what parents would think. I was told that students are lying to me. My assignments and methods were questioned.

At first I chose to ignore them, thinking what would administrators who never have interacted with my students know. But then I was shaken. It was during a Pre-Calculus class.

At my school Pre-Calculus was quasi elective. Students had to take a fourth math course, but they didn’t have to take Pre-Calculus. I had experienced great success the previous year in my elective math classes by abandoning grades. I told the students that as long as they learned I would take care of the grades. I placed a large amount of faith in my students because to abandon grades meant I didn’t have the traditional documentation found in a normal classroom. I still remember the day it hit me like a rock. I asked a general question to the class. A typical cell phone addicted, vocal student started saying numbers. I would respond with a no and the students would blurt out another number while looking at the cell phone. Finally a friend spoke up.

 

“Stop blurting out stupid answers.”

“Well, I don’t see you trying.” (Still scrolling on the phone.)

“I’m trying to think of a decent…”

I decided I should intervene at this point, “I’m not just teaching math, I am trying to teach you behavior as well. People can’t multitask. It’s impossible. You are proving it right now. I counted at least 43 times you glanced at…”

“Yeah, whatever, you said that we would all probably get a B or higher anyway.”

 

I froze in absolute frustration and disgust. It’s what I do as a public school teacher, when I am silent it means that all I have going through my head is a string of cuss words and other obscenities to call my students.

That was the beginning, but it wasn’t the last time. I got tired of being lectured about bell to bell instruction, learning environments, resources, and the gambit of teacher speak. As I kept hearing it from the experts, I started to notice it from my students. They seemed to be tuning me out more and more. They seemed to be taking advantage of me more and more. I started to question their motives. I started to think that they don’t care about learning, all they really want is the plush transcript, or the good GPA, or honors sticker on the diploma.

I’ll go back on Monday and reread that note and wonder if that year was just an aberration. Maybe it was just a perfect storm for me to succeed, just the perfect mix of the right students, with the right administration, and right environment, that fit my personality and beliefs.

Right now my beliefs and convictions don’t seem to mesh with what my environment wants from me. So I’m tired, which I guess means that I am jaded. As I have become more and more jaded I have noticed myself becoming more cynical. I start to see nothing but obedience and compliance around me, even though they haven’t changed, I have. It makes me worry about my job security. I guess that makes me cynical.

Homecoming Game

Tonight is the homecoming game at our school and it has me thinking about the purpose of school in general. I have spent the past three year under cognitive dissonance between our stated purpose and what I actually see taking place in schools. I want to share that confusion with you.

I know most of the readers will know the school well, but if you aren’t one let me take a moment to clarify. I teach at a small (~500 students k-12) public school in a rural setting in Ohio. Not private, magnet, charter, or large, leaving us with limited opportunities for tracking students. Some students do take college courses and some also take courses at nearby vocational tech centers.

I am going to layout what I believe to be the five primary arguments for schools to exist, starting with the most idealistic to the most cynical. I do not believe that a school does one and not the others, but rather they all exist at different levels within the school environment. However, I do feel that one or two reasons for the purpose of school do usually dominate the atmosphere, with the rest being ancillary.

Here are the five purposes for the existence of schools.

  1. Academic mastery and creating critical thinkers and life-long learners.
  2. Preparation for the workplace that will occur after high school or college.
  3. Community centers where relationships are created and social adjustment occurs.
  4. Warehousing or babysitting services for modern, industrial society.
  5. Compliance factories where we teach children to obey authority.

Let’s explore each one a little more in-depth.

1.Schools exist for the purpose of mastering academic material and to create critical thinkers.

I would say that this is one of the professed purposes of school, but as long as educators are pressured to keep graduation rates high, the quality of academic mastery will be low. I cannot offer an authentically rigorous course and ensure accessibility for all my students. Those two things are inversely related

2. Schools exist for the purpose of preparing students for the workplace or college.

As far as I know I haven’t found a study that shows that soft skills like punctuality or teamwork, can be explicitly taught. I don’t feel the need to go into depth the number of high school graduates that end up in remedial classes in college. Also, I have never tried to collect data, but I feel like I have had quite a few students in the past  who don’t have stellar academic records or even discipline records, yet are model employees at jobs outside of school.

3. Schools exist to be community centers where relationships are nurtured and adolescents adjust to society.

Tonight is homecoming. The gym will most likely be packed with people who normally wouldn’t come to the game. We canceled a class to enjoy the comrade of our peers in preparation of the game tonight. There will be a well attended musical this spring. People often talk about friendships and experiences learned in school more than any particular academics. We host camps and provide meeting spaces for groups and organizations. This is a very important need for a community. Is a school the most efficient way to provide leisure activities and meeting spaces to the community? Probably not.

4. Schools exist to warehouse adolescents and babysit children.

In our modern, industrial society most households require both parents to work. We can’t leave a bunch of children to their own unsupervised devices. Schools allow employers to obtain the employees they need and they allow parents access to a socialized babysitting service.

5. Schools exist to create large numbers of obedient and compliant workers.

Do you think it is coincidence that a full-day of work is considered eight hours and school lasts seven? Schools are a way to tell potential employers who shows promise of being a good employee. Is the potential employee easily trainable (good grades)? Is the potential employee reliable (good discipline record)?

 

I function around the #3, my community concept of school. It doesn’t mean that I ignore academics or workplace prep, but I function best when I can plan and prepare class in line with the idea that a school is a community center. My relationships that I forge with my students then take priority over everything else. That’s why I am here for the game tonight, because I really like several of the players and wish I still had them in class. It’s the same reason I go to some of the girl’s basketball games, or volleyball games, or musicals, or track meets, or take in artwork displayed in the library, or ask about part-time jobs, or like proof reading papers, or ask about plans after high school. All of those desire are based upon relationships of students. That relationship then dictates my actions as a teacher. (Sorry, soccer players, I played football in high school and soccer is just weird.)

I felt like I was able to teach like that for a couple of year because I was allowed the autonomy to do so. (It could also be interpreted as a lack of oversight, depending on your perspective.)

 

But right now I feel pressure to live up to the academic role, #1, and the workplace role, #2, of school. I need to make sure that I offer enough assessments and varied assessments. I need to make sure that I don’t waste educational opportunities and teach bell to bell. I need to provide more varied presentations of material to differentiate for my students. I need to provide more resources to my students. I need to make sure I do my Ohio Means Jobs lesson plan. When we get down to the nitty-gritty details of function as a school I fear that we are about the obedience and compliance role of school, #5.

There was a student who was greeted on her first day of school ever at my school with a warning that her hair was the wrong color, and yet I am told to make decisions in the best interest of the students. We tell students what they can and cannot wear. We tell them exactly how a project must be completed and when it must be completed. We tell them exactly where to sit in a classroom. We even tell them how many times their bladder can be emptied during the semester. And then we tell them that we do this to get them ready for college or to make them more responsible adults. I don’t buy it.

We say we’re about academics, learning, and post-secondary preparation, but act like all we care about is compliance. I want to be about relationships and community. I have students in class who I am dying to push to their limits of their capabilities. I have students that I want to develop that relationship where I can push them to their limits. I feel torn between job security and living within that purpose. To my seniors who had me as freshman, this is why I have been so much grouchier and irritable the past two years than you probably remember.

I smell popcorn. Time to go eat.